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2018-12-30

WHAT DOES BEAUTY MEAN? - PART IV.

Hi people, :-)

 

I really know that I am posting articles which are mapping my past and you are questioning yourself  what all of this has common with beauty? If you will hold on, I eventually get to the point. I am describing my life situations in which I have got in because of my decisions and I had to took responsibility for and how did I feel about everything.

You know, when you are with someone who you used to love and you have a kid with and he is able to take a piss of you and tell you very awful words and then try to please you and telling you he actually did not mean it... ?! You will start questioning yourself if he is OK up there? I realise after some time, he has own problem and his past is huge issue for him.. I have tried to help him a lot. But I did it wrong and in the same way I have tried to change him.. That was huge mistake because you can not teach old dog to the new tricks. I knew John was not that bad person, he never was. He was (is) basically lost soul, who doesn´t know what to do in this world. He doesn´t know how to communicate,  he is closed into himself. He was (is) selfish. And he runs into his world. I felt sorry for him. I thought I can save him and save the whole world and try to get him from his darkness. Our relationship started to consume us slowly. He was not use to to my way of talking and my behaviour, he did not respect my culture, like I did respect his. It is like dropping a stone on a stone. The right solution was just split up and live like we wanted to. 

But one day, it just escalate into something, what I thought would never ever cross my life.

I remember, when I told him I would like to go home back to Czech with our daughter. I wanted to get away. Away from him, us, otherwise I would get mad. The whole process was really stressful, exhausting and really hard.  

Everybody supported me in my decision, including his mum and his sister. I know it was hard for everyone. .It was really hard to leave place I love and where I build a home for me and my daughter. Beautiful home. Unfortunately to this home were connected memories, which were really painful. But from the other side, there were more happy memories, I have to say. I did not want to leave, because I love UK,  but we had to. It is heart matter for me since I came to UK. I could not speak with John normally without argues. He tried to threat me, but I think he knew he will not be successful with this. In the end I made agreement between us, when he will send some money to me for little one. Even make him to sign this agreement was so f*cking stressful and superhuman result. When was all sorted, we could go home. He never respect the agreement and paid when he wanted to or he did not pay. He is not able to keep any promise , any rules until today anyway. He will carry all the consequences in the future, not me. 

When all situation calmed down and he realise that it is not that hot how did it seem, we were able somehow communicate and I gave him space to enjoy some time with little one. By the time I was getting ready to get back to Czech and I had to sort out a lot of things with moving, documentation, etc. Time passed by really fast and I realise I will be in few days back home. I have imagine so many times, how great it will be, how we will start from zero.. I did not want to leave. I could see John is getting up set more and more every day. I do not blame him. I would be too and I don´t know how I would react to this situation  if I would be on his place and knew my kid is going to live across the Europe. But if I would be man I would never ever let myself behave like him. I love myself and today I know, I deserve to be carried on hands and be treated as a queen. 

Before I left UK there was one more surprise for me. One week before my departure, I know it was morning, I was calling with my mum and were chatting about our arrival. John stayed over night on the couch. Well.. He blacked out and he started to be really mean towards me. In my head I was asking myself: Is this really happening? Are we really make a problem from calling home and chat with my family? I told him to leave my house, before something will happen. My request was ignored. Then he started his usual song - I am witch, fat bitch, f*ucking immigrant... I was everything you can possibly imagine. I will tell you this.. In that moment, my level of adrenaline was really high and I did not want to listen to him so I just gave him a slap. In that moment I felt like a movie star who was filming this type of scene. You breathing heavily and you can not believe, what a hell happened right now... Then I could only feel the punch in my face. I was just shocked!! I could not believe, he has done this to me. I just screamed at him to get out of my flat straight a way. He just pushed me away and he want to the kitchen where he had a cup of coffee and he started to spill over my freshly painted walls his coffee !!!!! He was screaming at me. He took my iPhone and started to bang it on the table and then he put it in to his pocket so I could not call for the help. Then he took my laptop and throw it in to the wall and he made a hole in it. I took it and tried to call on Viber to my sister and mum. I could not reach them, because they were chatting by the time. So I started to sending messages to my sister for the help. Meanwhile he pulled my hair so rough that I thought he will pull them out with my skin. He started to realise he is getting more more aggressive and called the police. Meanwhile, my sister and brother in law came in the same time with police. Thanks God. The worst thing was, that my little one was witnessing everything and she saw it, heard it. She was witnessing many our argues. :-/ I just hope, she will never remember this.  

John was arrested and they send him to the prison. I just let them to do it as they were asking me. I had to go and do police interrogation. My sis and brother in law took us in their house, where we stayed until we left UK. My feelings about this situation were really mixed up and I did not even realise I was assaulted and became victim. 

I was thinking about this for long time and I was questioning myself if have any feeling about whole situation? Honestly I don´t know. I would say I was in contradiction. It affected me in the way it gave me really good experience and I wouldn´t change it. Not at all. If someone would tell I have made the biggest mistake, my answer would be: Not a mistake, but the best lesson and experience. Did it affected me in the negative way of thinking? No, I don´t think so. May be, one day if someone else will come to my life, I will have probably a problem with trust. I will no one to stay in our lives if someone will lie to me and give us empty promises. Another thing was I had a feeling of quilt that  I failed as a mother and as a woman.  

It took me sometime to understand, learn and forgive me and John and also take the responsibility for all of this. But then I realise why I should punish myself and hate myself? Every single bad thing what happened in our lives is for good change. And I am still learning from this. 

Today, I am thankful for all this what happened. It moved me forward. I realise what I want, who I want and that I am powerful. I started my process of self-knowledge. I am trying my limits, a lots of new stuff and I did not finish yet. So once more - Thank you John. 

What I have learnt? 

I have learnt believe in myself and my intuition. That as a woman I have my own worth and I won´t go under it. I do not care who is talking behind my back, if they do, I have to be amazing and interesting then. I have learnt to forgive, but I don´t forget. It thought me to find self love and love me with my imperfections. No one is perfect. I do not care about shit, bullshit and things that are not important. I am still learning to live in peace but with little kid it is impossible sometime. :-) 

If someone is reading this right now and he is in the similar situation, please, take your balls and I encourage you to something for yourself and your health. Just leave the toxic situation. Leave the toxic people. Everything will be OK. It takes time. Just be a bit selfish for once and do it for you. You will see how things will change for you. 

 

Miki x

 

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